Tuesday, May 20, 2014

I have a lot of soul searching and thinking to do...

There has been a lot on my mind recently. And I have felt rather lost in these last two ish weeks that I haven't posted. 

You see, just a few months ago, I felt on top of the world. I was successfully balancing a busy life full of school, work, internship, a guy that liked me, friends and family, etc. I was feeling good. I had a purpose. I knew where I was going in life. I had all these opportunities ahead of me. I was just so sure and solid of myself and life. 

Well. I graduated school. My internship ended. The guy that I thought liked me a lot, didn't seem to like me as much and moved back to Canada. I've been turned down for a few jobs now. All I have in my life is work. I work as a full time cashier at Lowe's Home Improvement. Woopty-doo.

Recently I've felt my life is quite empty now that everything that was filling my time is gone. I go to work and that is pretty much it. I am not totally sure what to do next with my life.

Should I continue to look for a job? Should I stay where I am or should I look for an office job? What kind of office do I want to work for? Should I settle for a smaller job while I continue to look for my "Dream Job"? What is my "Dream Job?"? Should I go back to school? If so, for what? Communications? Marketing? How am I going to pay for it? If I do decide to just work, what do I do with all of my free time? Should I start to work out? Should I get a gym membership? How do I find a new hobby? Should I start reading more? Should I learn to knit? What do I want to do? 

What is my next step?

A lot of questions with all the same answer. 

It's up to you! 

Unfortunately knowing this answer doesn't really help me much..

I'm not trying to have a pity party..I just feel genuinely lost and confused with life and the vastness of it. The idea that right now I can literally do ANYTHING with my life should feel liberating, but right now it is feeling more daunting and somewhat suffocating to think about.

I am a 20 year old girl with the whole world at the tips of my fingers and all I can think to do is run away into the mountains and cry! 

But I have to keep positive. I know there is hope. I have found a bit of it already. I do know one thing that I like to do and plan to do a lot this summer and the rest of my future.

I love the mountains. The great outdoors. I went into the canyon a few weeks ago on a whim and I loved it. I went back a few days later and the same thing. I don't feel anxious out there. I feel totally at peace and confident and somehow empowered when I'm roaming through the trees and bushes and life. So I bought an annual pass. Now I can go up there whenever I want!

There. Ok. I guess I'm not totally lost. Just mostly. HA!

I have a lot of soul searching and thinking to do.

Til next time.



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