Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I now have a goal and a purpose...

I've been reading a self help book. (For those poo-pooing it already..go read my last post. Give it a chance. It really isn't all that bad.)

Anyway..the idea of the book is to realize that you are a badass (the title is "You are a BADASS.") and that you deserve to live the life that you have always dreamed of. You deserve to be happy and be the best you that you can possibly be. It has been a good read so far.

So part of the deal of realizing that you deserve the life you have always dreamed of is knowing what that life is. What do you want? What is your dream life? I've been thinking about it recently because my life hasn't really been my ideal as of late. 

Well..I know what I want and I thought I'd share.

This is my dream life (realisticly).

I want to have a career. More specifically, I want the Client Event Coordinator position at a company called VitalSmarts. (I know that I am going to get an interview for the position, which is good! A step in the right direction.) 

I want to have my own apartment. I want it to be 100% mine. I don't want any room mates. I want to have my own space. My own dishes. My own couch. My own.  A place that I can decorate and manage and clean. Somewhere I can relax after a long day at work. Somewhere I can sit and watch lightning storms with my favorite mug full of hot chocolate. Somewhere I can have parties with my friends. Somewhere that my little siblings can come and spend the night for fun during the summer. Somewhere I can walk around in my underwear because I don't feel like wearing pants.

I want to have a dog. I want to have a Boston Terrier. His name will be Walter and he will have a bow tie collar because he's classy like that.

I want to be in shape. I want to have a gym membership that I use 3 times a week. I want to go to yoga classes. I want to go to Bikram yoga (hot yoga.. ya know the one where they turn the temp up to 105..) classes. I don't know why I want to do that so bad, but I do and I will. I want to go on hikes (with Walter). I want to be more active.

I want to love who I am completely. I want to be ok with the imperfections that I have. I want to focus on the things that I am really good at. I want to acknowledge my strengths. I want to know in my core that I am a badass and that I freaking rock.

I want to be happy. I want to be independent. I want to self sufficient. I want to be an adult. I want to live. Actually live.

I want to be ok with letting go and allowing to come what may.

That is my dream. That is my goal. That is the life that I will live. I now have a goal and a purpose and I am going to fight to get there with everything that I am.



Til next time!


Give it a chance...

I've been a pretty big downer recently. I am sorry for that. I am not usually the type that whines and complains and is super lame on the internet. I rather dislike those people. I feel like they are trying to get attention. I will admit that I have been one of those people for the last little while. Again, I am sorry.

I am not one to make excuses, but let me first explain a little why I have been such a weeny recently. Two months ago, I was feeling very on top of the world. I was in my last semester of school. I was rocking my internship that, at the time, I thought was going to turn into a job. I was at the start of a relationship that I thought could actually go somewhere. I was in a really good place. Everything seemed to be finally going my way. All of my hard work and patience was finally paying off. And I was loving it.

Well that super on top of everything and totally rocking it all lasted for about a month. Then my relationship ended. I graduated and all of a sudden had nothing to do. I found out that my internship wasn't going to turn into anything. I went from my highest of highs to my lowest of lows in a very short amount of time. I lost focus of what I was doing and where I was going.

There it is. I was wallowing in my self pity and lameness. But I'm kind of over it now. I hate feeling like that. I am not a helpless little girl anymore. I am a grown woman that can take control of her life and make it what she wants, even if life isn't always willing to cooperate.

I will admit, I didn't get this new kick in the butt awakening on my own. I have been reading this book... Now before you roll your eyes, inwardly groan, and move on because self help books are so lame and don't actually help and only hippies use them...just hear me out for a little longer.

I was a huge member of the self help book stuff is totally lame club too! A very happy member. I am very much the type that doesn't like to look for help, doesn't ask for help, and fully believes I can do it all myself. I don't need some hippie to tell me how beautiful and special I am and all I have to do is hug myself everyday and life will be perfect! Ew. Lame. No thank you.

Well a few months ago, I went to a book store and was just wandering around, when I came across a book. It was bright yellow, so it was hard to miss. Then I read the title..."You are a BADASS." It kind of caught my attention. It made me laugh. I mean that is one heck of a title. So I picked it up and read the back. I cringed a little once I realized it was one of those lame-o self help kind of deals. But I couldn't get over the title! haha! I am such a dork!

Anyway..I bought the book and have been reading it on and off for the last few months. More so recently because I have been all down and in very much need of a pick me up of any kind. 

Well.. I have become more open to the self help books. At least this one. The author, Jen Sincero, I super cool. She is super blunt and straight forward. She is very much a real person. She admits that she thought the self help stuff was crazy and weird. She puts in her personal experiences. And she swears. Ha! I think she is kind of great! 

So my point to this whole long deal is..give it a chance. If you are feeling lost and kind of lame and don't totally know what you are doing with your life anymore...read this book. Or find another self help book. They really aren't all too awful. They can be pretty helpful and just the kick in the butt that you need to get yourself out of your pity party rut and back on the right track. 

Til next time!


Wednesday, April 23, 2014

I'm a bloody drowning shark...

This Friday marks two weeks since I graduated from college...

I have to be honest. I have never felt more lost or that I was living such a meaningless life than I have in these last two weeks.

I know that sounds super over dramatic and kind of ridiculous, but it is true.

My whole life up to this point has had some sort of point. Some goal to pursue. Something to do. School. That's what it's been. School. A job to pay for school. Two jobs to pay for school. Working and school. Busy. Busy. Busy. And then..it was just done. I graduated. 

Now what? Start my career..right? Well I've been looking and applying for jobs and...nothing. I know that it takes time and I should be patient and keep on keeping on...but reality isn't always as great as you were expecting it to be.

So what do I have to do... I have a part time job as a cashier. And I have an internship that I go to twice a week for 4 hours. I usually finish everything in the first hour and a half. The rest of my time is spent trying to distract myself from the fact that I am ridiculously lost and that I really have no life. (aka Netflix)

I feel like my whole life just kind of stopped and now I'm floating in this weird limbo/twilight zone place.

I'm 20. I have the whole world and endless possibilities available to me. But I have no idea where to go or what to do next. 

I want to have meaning in my life. I want to make a difference. I want to be known for doing something..anything. I want a purpose. I need a purpose. 

I'm like a shark. As long as I'm swimming, I'm fine. The second I stop swimming, I drown and die. 

I haven't been swimming for two weeks now.

Something had better happen soon or I'm gonna end up doing something stupid in an attempt to make something happen.

So ya.. That's how things are now. I'm a bloody drowning shark. Yup. that pretty much sums it up right now.

Sorry for being dramatic. I just had to get it out there. It's kind of been festering in my mind for the last bit..two weeks..

Maybe I'll go on a hike...

Anyway..Til next time!


Monday, April 21, 2014

Just another reminder of how bright the future is...

Happy Monday!!
Cheer up! It'll only be Monday for another 14 hours! You can make it!!!
Well usually I am a hater of Monday's too...BUT this Monday is a little different. You see I am still riding on my Cloud 9 high from the weekend!! :)
I will admit..The weekend started off a little rough. Me and Guy aren't "together" anymore. We decided that we didn't want to do the whole long distance thing...and that we'll see what happens when he gets back...So ya...I still don't totally know where I stand with the whole thing..But its over for now so there is no use crying over it..PLUS now I can properly sing "All the Single Ladies" by Beyonce!! I mean...you gotta look at the bright side of things right?!
Anyway..my weekend got a lot..more like A TON better!! :)
I had a car already. His name is Lars. (Yes I name my cars. NO SHAME!!) He was my first car and he will always hold a special place in my heart...But...He was older than I was... You see Lars was a 1991 Toyota Corolla. I got him for $200. Of course he needed some TLC..but once we got him running, he has never given me any trouble!! He was a fantastic car and I was so happy to pass him down to my siblings.
But with this new life of mine..I needed some new wheels to get me around and some new responsiblility...(aka a loan. I got out of school debt free!!! Yay!!) So. This last weekend I bought a car. A 2010 Chevy Aveo to be exact!
Here he is!
His name is Stewart! Ain't he cute?!? I even got to put a decal on him that I have been holding onto for months now!

GO UTES!! It looks sooo good! I love it!
I wasn't planning on buying this car when I walked onto the lot, but I have to say that I am glad I went with him. He is a lot newer than the other cars I was looking at, and although he was a little more expensive than I was planning on..I think that I will have this car for a long time!
There are going to be a lot of miles driven with this car. A lot of adventures had, songs sung, memories made, words spoken, laughter expressed...This new car is just another reminder of how bright the future is!
I can't wait to see what happens! (Even though I have to admit..It scares the crap out of me!! As the saying goes.."If it scares you, its probably worth it.")
Til next time!

Thursday, April 17, 2014

I have some FREAKING HOT hair...

I'm pretty darn sure that I posted on here about my hair goal...I don't remember when...and I really would rather not go back and find it...Yes I am that lazy!! No shame!!

Anyways...When I was in 7th grade, I decided to chop my hair off...Like cheeck bones chop it off..and I loved it! It was short and spunky and really a whole lot easier to deal with than long hair. Well I kept it that short for a long time.

Then a few weeks after I graduated from high school... I went and saw Brave. Ya know the super fantastical Disney movie with the young Scottish chick with the super luxurious, crazy, red, curly hair...

Ya so I saw the movie and I realized... THAT is what my hair would look like if it was long!! And so I made the decision to grow it out. And I was determined to do it this time too..I had tried a few times before, but got impatient and chopped it off again...HAHA..oops!
So here is a picture of me from August 2012...about a month after I decided to start the lengthy process of growing out my hair. (haha lengthy...get it...haha...oh man I'm so lame!!)

Here is a picture that I took this morning!! SELFIE!! (no shame!)

Not bad right?! After almost two years of growing it is a few inches past my shoulders! :) I am TOTALLY loving my hair long and I TOTALLY wish that I did it soooo much sooner than I did!
I will admit that long curly hair can be a bit (or more!!) of a pain at times...But it is so worth it!! Not to sound conceited or whatever...But I have some FREAKING HOT hair!! haha!
So ya...there's my story for the day!
Til next time1

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

I guess that means its time for a recap...

I apologize...

I should really stop saying that...I say it too much.. But really, for those of you that are actually reading this (if there are any)...I am sorry for the laspe of time that often goes between my posts.

So I guess that means its time for a recap!

The last time I posted, it was 20 days til I turned 20. Well that day has come and gone!

I am no longer a teenager. I am a 20 year old adult! ...Not really...but we can pretend right?!

Anyways.. 20 doesn't feel any different, but I still feel that same about all of the opportunities and experiences that go along with being in your 20's. Some of which has kind of happened...

I graduated from college last week!!! WHAT?!?!

Ya I'm super stoked aobut it! For those of you just joining in or for those of you that don't remember.. I went to LDS Business College. I got my AS in Integrated Studies with a Certificate in Executive Assisting. It was a long, crazy two years, but man alive was it worth it! I have changed so much since then.. I have come closer to finding out who I really am, I know that I am capable of soooo much more than I thought I was, I have met and become friends with so many amazing people... I seriously wouldn't trade my experiences and knowledge for the world!!

.....But..with that being said...I have to add..I am SOO glad to be done with school (for now)!! I was getting pretty tired of the homework, essays, group projects, textbooks, teachers, etc. I am very excited for a break!

(For those of you who are freaking out about someone stopping their education, especially after an Associate's...Do not fear! I am planning on going back to school next fall and working towards my Bachelor's!)

So ya...that happened..

What else...

Oh ya...So I have previously talked about my dating life.. or the lack of it in some cases.. Well in this last time of absence I have somewhat gone through an actual relationship! GASP!!! WHAT?!?! I know, crazy right?! But alas it did happen...

Here are the details..Well the condensed version..I could probably super easily talk about this for hours and hours and hours, but let's be honest...no one needs to hear that!

So he...Let's call him "Guy"..ya know to give him some sort of dignity...

Anyway..Guy was in one of my classes. I thought he was cute when the semester started, but super introverted me wasn't going to start anything! Well one day in class we were in the same group for a class discussion thing and we started a little bit of a debate between each other. It was kinda cool actually.. It was my "huh.." moment.

TANGENT!! Let me explain this whole "huh.." moment thing.. So for those of you that are married or are in a relationship--romantic or friendship--there is that moment when you actually notice that other person; when they finally grab hold of your brain. It is that moment when you start to think about them differently--whether romantically or friendship. From that point on, they mean something, you pay attention to them more, you think about them more... Make sense? End of tangent!

So after that moment, class, day, whatever, we began to talk more in class. We would sit by each other. We would walk to our next classes together...Ya know things like that.

One day, I really wasn't feeling going to my next class after the one that we had together. It was Physical geography... and the teacher is really nice...but oh man was he SOOOO BORING!! Like I pretty much always fell asleep in that class! I have no idea how I managed an A- in the class!!

Anyway.. I really wasn't feeling it and we were standing down the hall from my class talking. Guy was like, "Well you could always come get food with me now instead of going to class..." I was totally down! Then out of nowhere my teacher comes out of the classroom (class had started about 10 minutes prior) and was like, "Megan, are you coming to class?" UGH!!! It's college man! Back off!! So ya I ended up going to class... :P

During class, I get a text... It's from Guy! I had totally forgotten that he had my number from a group project/service project that we had to do. So he texted me totally teasing me about getting caught and having to go to class. Anyway, he ends up asking me out! Super exciting stuff!!! So we go out that weekend and from that point (a few days after my birthday...so beginning of March) up until about 2 weeks ago (the beginning of April) things were AMAZING!!! Like we would hang out/go out every time I didn't have work (he was the one that always instigated hanging out again..."When do I get to see you again?" or "When do we get to do this again?" All him...not me.)(it was 10 hang outs/dates--I checked my calendar--in 3 weeks..PLUS all the times we saw each other in class!!), we texted all the time, and it was all amazing and sweet and I was totally on cloud 9!!

And then it all changed. Figures right?!

Well Guy is from Canada. And at the end of March, he went to Canada for the weekend. And everything was fine. He texted me every time he stopped on the way up. (It's a 12 hour drive and it was raining/snowing and I was all nervous.) And we texted the whole time he was up there. Then on the Monday he drove home, I got nothing. He didn't text me until about 1 in the afternoon, well after he had crossed the border. Then from then on, he hardly texted me. There was a good hour or two or sometimes three in between each text. He was able to hang out. He was just really distant. At first I thought I was being paranoid. But when I really thought about it, I wasn't! We went from EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME with texting and hanging out and seeing eachother to what felt like a huge screeching halt! I even tried to talk to him aobut it and he totally blew it off and changed the subject really fast.

Well..It got a little better last week. We hung out and he came to the dinner after my graduation (not my graduation...just keep it in mind..). But now that school is over...It's even worse than before. He doesn't text me at all! When I text him first.. It is the same thing where there are huge gaps in between texts and/or he just won't text back at all...I honestly have no idea what is going on at all!

Now some thing to add in...He is going back to Canada for the summer at the end of the month. I knew that from pretty early on. But we said we'd figure that out when it came along because we agreed to be up front and honest with each other. Well it is here..but there is no talking...about anything.

I'm frustrated and confused and mad and sad and honestly have no idea what to do. I'm super torn. Some of the time I just want to be like, "Well forget you!" and completely just walk away. Then other times I want to make this work; I want to fight for what I care about and know is there. I don't want to give up on someone that made so happy just two weeks ago.

But I'm also tired of fighting to keep something alive when the other person is not interested. I want someone that wants to be with me. Someone that is willing to fight to keep me. Someone that texts me first because they are so excited to talk to me. Someone that wants to go out becaus they love to be with me. Someone that wants everyone to know they are with me and that they can't believe they have me...What Guy used to be like...

UGH. This week has kinda super sucked. If you have any advice..please leave a comment! It would be much appreciated!

Sorry.. That was a little longer than I was expecting...HA! But there you have it... My life since turning 20!

Now, since school is over.. I think that I will have more time to get on here and express the thoughts and things that are bouncing around my crazy head more often! YAY!! Then hopefully it will turn into a habit and I will be posting if not everyday, at least three times a week!

Here's to hoping!!

Til next time